How to approach the holidays with people you deeply disagree with

On this week’s episode of Code Switch, we spoke to a young woman who had this to say on Election Day: “I’m disgusted by the blood I carry in my veins because I’m related to these people.” By “these people,” she was referring to her relatives who had supported a presidential candidate that she found abhorrent. She went on to say that in order to support said candidate, “you have to be next-level dumb or next-level evil.”

And look – homegirl was obviously not mincing her words. But to be honest, they didn’t surprise me. Because those words reflect a sentiment I’ve heard repeated for years now, about the pain and immense frustration at seeing the people you love make decisions that you hate.

So what do you do about that? It’s a question that many people are grappling with, especially as the holidays draw near. How should we approach the prospect of breaking bread – or not – with people whose beliefs or actions sometimes seem to grate at the very core of what we believe to be right and good?

[Editor’s note: This is an excerpt of Code Switch’s Up All Night newsletter. You can sign up here.]

There are many approaches, some of which we’ve talked about before. And I think it should go without saying that it is OK to opt out of spaces that make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable. (Thanksgiving is still two weeks away – that’s plenty of time to uninvite yourself from Cousin Jan’s potluck.)

But if you do decide to participate in an event where you’ll be in close quarters with someone you deeply disagree with, it’s worth remembering a few things:

1. You don’t need to label anyone as ultimately good or bad. In her new book, Do You Still Talk to Grandma?, author Britt Barron writes, “We are always trying to make a world where there are heroes and villains, good and evil, right and wrong, and where we can be the heroes, where we can be good and right. People love categories and boxes and clean lines.” But people are complicated, and it’s important to acknowledge that. Especially if you have any hope of ever convincing someone to change their beliefs (or of being convinced to change your own.)

2. You neither have to ignore reality – or forgive it.  In a conversation on the pod a few years ago, author Ashley C. Ford rejected that false binary. She said, “I can decide how I want to move through reality. I can decide how I want to react to reality. But I think what’s most important is that I just accept reality.” And she posed this set of questions: “What are you going to do on a day-to-day basis while you’re living your life? Are you going to live in a place where you deny reality and you think to yourself, I love this person, but only because I choose to forget that they’ve done terrible things, heinous things? Or do I say this is reality? This is what it is, and I love you. And this thing that you’ve done…I can’t forgive you for, and I’ll never try.”

3. You don’t need to deny your humanity. In times of deep political division, there’s often the pressure for people – especially marginalized people – to set aside their differences for the sake of some supposedly higher ideal, like “unity” or “civility.” At those moments, it’s worth remembering the eternal words of James Baldwin: “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” And once again — if that’s the dynamic, feel free to cancel those dinner plans and instead, spend your one precious life with people who believe that your life is precious.

This story was written by Leah Donnella and edited by Courtney Stein.