Dear Life Kit: My mom is marrying her partner of 10 years. I’ve never met him

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Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more. 

This question was answered by comedian, writer and advice columnist Sophia Benoit. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Dear Life Kit,

My mother, who is widowed, has been in a relationship with a man I’ll call Pete for almost ten years. 

My sister and I have never met Pete, despite my sister’s attempts to arrange a meeting many times over the years. Our mom just keeps saying, “Don’t worry, you’ll both meet Pete at some point.” She spends all holiday gatherings with us, but Pete has yet to join. 

My mom recently informed us that she and Pete are getting married. When we asked about the wedding ceremony, she said it was going to be low key and that she only invited her sister and brother-in-law to be witnesses. 

This absolutely floored us and left us feeling abandoned and shocked. We’ve always been close to our mom, and this behavior is extremely uncharacteristic of her. When we expressed our feelings, she said she didn’t intend to hurt us, and that this is simply the way they decided to do it. How do we deal with this situation? — Stepdad skeptic

Your mom is definitely keeping you from meeting her partner.

There is a huge amount of concern here. When you start talking about people acting uncharacteristically in a relationship, excluding people and being more isolated, all those things raise red flags. They may be in an abusive relationship or an emotionally manipulative relationship.

Is that the case? I have no idea.

If that was my mom, here’s what I would do. I’d surprise my mom at her house when Pete was over to meet him and find out what is going on.

Then I’d talk to my mom’s sister, the one who was invited to the wedding. I would ask them, “What’s going on? Why is mom doing this? Have you met Pete? Why were you invited to the wedding? Why do you think we’re not? Can you give us some clues?”

And then, of course, you and your sister have to talk to your mom. That’s the big one. Sit her down and ask her what’s going on. “Why haven’t we met your partner of ten years? Why is us meeting him not important to you? And why is that not important to him? And can you explain more about why we weren’t invited to the wedding?”

Go in with curiosity, openness and kindness, but refuse to walk away without getting an answer to some of those questions.

Right now, your mom is not showing you care by including you in her family, and you can say that. You can say, “I love you. I’m glad you’re here for the holidays, but the situation with your new husband makes us feel like we’re not family with you.”

This digital story was written by Beck Harlan. It was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan.

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