How the science of savoring can help you nurture your relationships

Think of a time when someone did something really nice for you, or you did something really nice for them. Just bringing up that memory probably makes you feel good — about that person, the nice thing that happened and maybe about some other stuff too.

Jessica Borelli, a professor of psychological science at University of California, Irvine, has developed a technique that focuses on these kinds of memories to help people feel more secure in their relationships. Relational savoring encourages clients to take a deep dive into these meaningful moments.

Through several trials, it’s been shown to be an effective intervention for strengthening family bonds.

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The idea builds on the work of Fred Bryant, a professor emeritus of psychology at Loyola University Chicago, who pioneered the field of savoring research. He has spent decades trying to understand how we can intensify and extend the feelings we get from positive experiences.

This was a somewhat radical concept in psychology when Bryant began his research in the 1980s. There were plenty of people looking into coping, which is how we process negative experiences, but no one was doing the opposite.

“It was assumed if a good thing happened, you would feel happy. But we all know people who don’t know how to enjoy themselves,” he says.

And we as humans tend to excel at finding the downside of any situation, Borelli adds. “Our brains are hardwired to think about negativity,” she says. “That’s probably because of evolution. We focus on where the smoke is coming from. But it doesn’t leave time for us to think about positive moments.”

Research has linked the practice of savoring with greater well-being and lower negative mood. It’s part of a growing body of evidence that accentuating positive emotions can be critical for your mental health.

Hopefully, you caught NPR’s recent Stress Less series that explored several skills — including savoring — that when practiced for a few minutes a day help tamp down anxiety. (If not, catch up on it here.)

More research is needed to fully understand these connections and how to take advantage of them, Bryant notes. But in the meantime, here are some ways to tap into the power of savoring for yourself and everyone you love.

1. Build up the anticipation

The first person to introduce Bryant to savoring was his mom, who was always planning what she called “joy adventures” when he was a kid. What Bryant learned was that even the mere idea of these experiences was fun, and looking forward to them allowed him to savor in advance.

Just like you might read a travel guidebook before boarding a plane to get in the mood for vacation, you can plan ahead for spending time with family and friends and get excited for whatever is on the agenda. “With my granddaughter, we make lists of what we’re going to do together. Those are joy menus,” says Bryant. He says he likes to leave a blank space “for the joy of surprise.”

If you have a big family gathering to attend, you could choose to worry about whether your uncle will make tasteless jokes. Or, Borelli says, you could focus on the fact that it’s a rare opportunity to get everyone together. “What are the most important things for you to get out of this experience?” she says. Coming into the event with a goal of creating lasting family memories will put you in the right mindset for actually being able to do that.

2. Hop on a time machine

One of Bryant’s favorite savoring techniques is to mentally fast-forward himself into the future. For example, when spending an afternoon with that 7-year-old granddaughter, he’ll imagine it’s 20 years later and she’s all grown up. Then he tells himself that now he has the chance to go back to this moment, and what was already a special experience becomes imbued with even more meaning.

“I’m approaching it as if it were a reality that is now gone,” he says. “When you see it as a second chance, you savor it more.”

Even a not-so-pleasant experience, like dealing with a toddler tantrum, can transform when you view it as a blast from the past. “This is fleeting. It will not last,” Bryant says.

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3. Use all of your senses

“When I listen to a piece of music, I close my eyes to focus on it,” Bryant says. “I’ll do that at a gathering with my family. I’m transported above the event and listen to the blend of voices, joy cascading through the moment.”

Catching every detail — how things look, sound, smell, taste and feel — makes it easier to recall memories later and relive that positive experience. “The first step in being able to savor something is to be attuned to what’s happening,” Borelli says. That’s why the relational savoring intervention asks clients to set the scene when they discuss a memory. “It’s everything they can remember, like a camera,” she says.

Borelli also recommends taking pictures, which you can share with others and turn into mementos.

4. Remember to look back

The key to savoring, Bryant says, is that it requires effort. “You have to make time for it. Bad things force us to deal with them. We have little choice about coping,” he explains. But we have to decide to savor and what to savor.

When Borelli is helping clients find memories to explore, they often land on a moment that didn’t seem that important at the time. For example, a kid falls down at a playground and the parent rushes over to hold them, offer comfort and wipe away tears. “As a parent, you don’t get to pause and think that was special,” she says.

But those hugs can be an invaluable gift that helps kids feel more secure. She has parents reflect on what that experience means for their connection now and in the future, and if it brings up any thoughts about this relationship or any others in their lives. “This is where the magic happens,” Borelli says.

And, hopefully, it helps lead them to more memories to savor down the road.

Vicky Hallett is a freelance writer who regularly contributes to NPR.