Dear Life Kit: My best friend said he’d unfriend me if I ever had kids

Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit anonymously? Share it here. For our next episode, we’re looking for your queries on doubt and making decisions in relationships.
Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more.
These questions were answered by friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson and psychologist Marisa Franco. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit,
The other day, my best friend told me if I ever had kids, it would be the end of our friendship. I tried talking to him about it, but he kept insisting that it would change everything and I would have less time for him.
It seems a little harsh to drop a friend of 14 years because they had a baby. But I believe him because he’s done this with other friends.
He doesn’t want children, but I’m undecided. I want to approach this issue again with him but I don’t know how. Any advice? —Hypothetically Hurt

Franco: It sounds like he fears you’re going to reject him.
Bayard Jackson: I remember being hurt by friends when they had kids and I didn’t. They were distracted, they adopted new interests, they wanted to talk about diaper cream, and I had no interest in that. So I get why your friend would set a hard boundary like this.
But ultimatums don’t do well in relationships because you are removing my sense of agency. If I want to have children, I would hope that you, as my friend, are going to be a witness to this transition in my life. And that our friendship is going to evolve.
Franco: Try to understand why having kids is a friendship-ender for your friend. Start with curiosity. You can say to your friend:
“Our friendship is so important. I would love to figure out ways to still be invested in this friendship when I have kids.
Losing you as a friend would be a major loss for me. I hope that no matter where our friendship goes, you would be open to figuring out a way to continue it. Because I really love you. Even if this does change how much time I have to spend with you, how much love I have for you would never change.”
Bayard Jackson: I have a six year old and a three year old now. As a parent, I’m grateful for friends who are patient and flexible, who can affirm that aspect of my identity. Because being a mom is a part of who I am.
Franco: The more you hear about his negative experiences around this, the less volatile they become.
When people are triggered, they tend to be self-centered because they’re in pain. They don’t have enough capacity to see yours.
The podcast episode was produced by Andee Tagle. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and sign up for our newsletter. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit.
First Afrikaners granted refugee status due to arrive in U.S.
Three months ago, President Trump signed an executive order telling white Afrikaans South Africans they could apply for refugee status in the U.S. The first group has been swiftly processed and is set to arrive on U.S. soil Monday
Court rules Alabama violated Voting Rights Act in drawing congressional lines
A three-judge panel permanently blocked Alabama from using a state-drawn map that they said flouted their directive to draw a plan that was fair to Black voters. The decision was not a surprise because the panel ruled against the state twice previously and put a new map in place for last year’s elections.
Who is the new Pope Leo XIV and what are his views?
Pope Leo XIV was born and raised in Chicago. He is of French, Italian and Spanish descent. He spent years working as a missionary in Peru.
India and Pakistan trade attacks amid risk of war between nuclear states
The escalation began after India accused Pakistan of being behind an attack where gunmen killed 26 people, mostly tourists, in India-administered Kashmir on April 22. Pakistan denies it.
FEMA’s acting administrator is replaced a day after congressional testimony
The abrupt change came the day after Cameron Hamilton testified on Capitol Hill that he did not agree with proposals to dismantle an organization that helps plan for natural disasters and distributes financial assistance.
RFK Jr. says autism database will use Medicare and Medicaid info
The National Institutes of Health will partner with the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid to create a database of Americans with autism, using insurance claims, medical records and smartwatch data.