Why it’s OK not to reply to your text messages right away

If you’re in multiple text threads with different people in your life — your family, your partner, your kid’s teacher — it can be hard to stay on top of your messages.

Who should you respond to first? How do you deal with a group chat that keeps popping off? What happens if you accidentally leave someone on read?

These texting situations can be tricky, but managing them is a lot more straightforward than you might think, says Nick Leighton, host of the etiquette and manners podcast Were You Raised by Wolves?.

“A lot of people forget that texting is just another form of communication,” he says. “But the principles of ‘let’s not waste people’s time’ and ‘let’s be mindful of their feelings’ have never changed.”

Leighton and Erica Dhawan, author of Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection, No Matter the Distance, explain how to apply the basic rules of etiquette to everyday texting — and they offer advice on five common texting conundrums.

I feel inundated by the volume of texts I receive in a day, so sometimes I don’t respond to messages right away. Does that make me a bad texter? 

“We need to get over our reaction that everyone needs to respond immediately,” says Dhawan, who wrote the popular New York Times essay “Ignoring a text message or email isn’t always rude. Sometimes it’s necessary” in 2022. The person on the receiving end could be “with a screaming toddler, on the toilet, on a Zoom call.”

Dhawan says when we receive texts, we’re kind of like emergency room doctors “triaging on multiple levels” to figure out what needs action first. Texts from, say, a day care teacher telling you that your child is sick, or a colleague saying a meeting is canceled, require an urgent response. Others, like a funny video or a party invitation with an RSVP deadline a month from now, not so much. So think about which messages could wait a day or two, or even a week.

In turn, “don’t feel ghosted if someone doesn’t respond immediately to you,” she says.

My sister texts me a lot of social media videos, like maybe five a day. I know this is her way of showing love, but I don’t have time to watch them all. How should I handle this situation? 

You don’t need to watch or reply to every video in real time, Dhawan says. You might save all the videos to watch at the end of the day or week and send a reply then. And if you don’t end up watching them, that’s OK too. A simple “love these,” which acknowledges you received the videos, will suffice. “This is your sister’s texting love language, so remember what matters here.”

If you and your sister are close, you might tell her in a phone call, “I love the videos, but it’s a little overwhelming to get so many in the day,” she says.

I forgot to respond to a friend’s text about getting lunch together about a month ago. And now I need to ask a huge favor from this person. What should I do? 

“We can’t just go right into the ask,” says Leighton. “That’s a little provocative.”

Instead, try something light and breezy like, “Oh my goodness, I just realized I totally spaced out. I’d love to grab lunch with you. Let me know when you’re free,” he says. Then, you can send a follow-up text with your big ask. “You’re gonna have to set up that lunch though.”

How do I get someone who’s unresponsive on text to message me back? I’m trying to plan a group outing to a concert, and it’s time to buy the tickets. 

Be direct, Dhawan says. “When it comes to a decision text, we have to actually ask a specific question, like, ‘Here are the tickets. I’m gonna buy them on Tuesday. Let me know today if you want me to buy you one.'”

Make sure it’s clear that your message is asking a question and that a response is needed by a certain time. “If they don’t respond, let it go and move on,” Dhawan says.

My group chat is a mess. I have to scroll so far up to understand what the heck is going on. There are side conversations and random emojis and memes. How do I set some ground rules? 

“Etiquette is often about deciding which hill you want to die on,” says Leighton. If there’s a behavior in the group chat that is truly maddening, “have a polite yet direct conversation.”

That said, there is such a thing as text etiquette in group chats, Dhawan says.

Don’t send unnecessary text messages, she says. “Think before you ping. Take an extra breath and ask, ‘Is this relevant?'” Instead of sending a text message that says, “ha ha ha,” could you just double-tap and click the “ha ha” emoji, saving members of the group a notification?

If you want to call someone out, do it privately on a separate text, Dhawan says. “Take your drama to your one-on-one DMs. Remember that personal squabbles don’t belong in the group.”

Don’t forget to use your phone’s messaging features to your benefit, she says. Mute chats to reduce notifications. Archive or exit chats to keep your threads tidy. Being in multiple group chats is like being in “five different coffee chats at the exact same time. It can be overwhelming.”

The podcast episode was produced by Clare Marie Schneider. The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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