Why good houseguests don’t actually ‘make themselves at home’

With summer slowly winding down, many of you may be hoping to use the last of that sweet vacation time to get out of town and visit friends and family. But how do you ensure that your presence in someone else’s home feels like a gift and not a burden?

For etiquette expert Elaine Swann, being a star houseguest isn’t all that complicated.

Whether you’re couch surfing at your college roommate’s pad or taking the kids to stay at your aunt’s house, being a considerate guest starts by simply respecting someone else’s space — no matter how comfortable you may feel with them.

“You still want to have reverence for the fact that this is not really your home,” Swann says.

Swann, who runs The Swann School of Protocol, an etiquette training program, answers tricky questions about staying at a loved one’s place — and how to be a guest who gets invited back.

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Is it rude to ask my friend if I can stay at her place if I’m passing through her neck of the woods? 

Swann shares a helpful rule: As long as you’d feel comfortable hosting that person in your own home, you shouldn’t feel sheepish about asking to stay with them when you’re visiting their town.

The rule comes with a few caveats, Swann says. Give your host at least three weeks’ notice. Also, don’t automatically assume they can host you just because you asked.

“Make sure you’re prepared for the answer to be yes or no, and accept and respect whatever answer they give you,” Swann says.

How long is too long of a visit? 

Keep your visit short and sweet. Four days and three nights is generally ideal, Swann says. Unless you’re visiting for a larger occasion like a holiday, she says a long-weekend-type visit is a sweet spot. It’s long enough to spend quality time together but short enough to be over before anyone can feel too cramped or frustrated.

Adjust accordingly for the size of the space and the needs of everyone involved, Swann says. For instance, if you’re traveling with a colicky infant, your cousin’s studio apartment might not be the best fit. Instead, maybe book a nearby hotel and visit your cousin during the day.

I’d love to spend time with my host during my visit, but I also want to do my own thing. How do we get on the same page? 

Once you have a visit on the books, be proactive and communicative about the specifics of your stay to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness. Are you hoping your buddy can take some time off to hit the theme parks with you? Is your partner’s family the type that loves to cook for people, or should you plan to get your own meals?

Make your host aware of any pertinent information for your visit, like allergies or specific physical needs for your stay. You wouldn’t want your new boyfriend’s mom to spend hours making her famous shrimp gumbo if you’re terribly allergic to shellfish, for example. Or if you just broke your ankle and can’t climb stairs, you should double-check whether your friend’s fifth-floor apartment has a working elevator.

The host told me to “make myself at home.” Do they mean that? 

When a host tells you to make yourself at home, that doesn’t mean you should prop your shoes up on the couch or eat all the snacks in the pantry. Swann says that’s generally a cue to fend for yourself — you don’t have to ask if you want a drink of water or an extra napkin. But as a houseguest, you still want to be your best, most respectful self, Swann says. Offer to do the dishes, take out the trash, treat your host for a meal — or all of the above.

Be mindful of your footprint. Don’t make your host feel like a hurricane blew through their home, Swann says. So for starters, don’t overpack, and make sure you keep whatever you bring tidy and contained. Don’t leave your clothes lying around or take up all the space on the bathroom counter.

Ack! I forgot to bring a gift for the host. Is it too late? 

Some etiquette rulebooks advise never to show up to someone else’s home empty-handed, but Swann maintains it’s fine if you don’t have something ready for your host right away. Just be sure to give them a gift by the time you leave.

“Go on a reconnaissance mission while you’re in that house,” she says, with eyes and ears out for a thoughtful contribution to the household. Are they home chefs in need of a new cookbook? Did you catch your bestie lingering on some local art at the farmer’s market? A host gift should be a small gesture of thanks, Swann says, with bonus points if it can recall your visit.

I don’t want to rent a car during my stay. Is it OK to ask the host if I can use their car? 

“Do not rely on your host for transportation,” Swann says. For example, don’t ask your host to pick you up from the airport or borrow their car to go sightseeing.

“Do not impede on their personal schedule. Instead, make sure that you are self-sufficient. That’s the best way to be a houseguest,” Swann says.

Can I ask my host if I can stay for just a few more days? I’m enjoying my time. 

Don’t overstay your welcome. “The best way to end your visit on a positive note is to make sure there is an actual end,” Swann says. That means departing when you told your host you would, rather than delaying by a few hours or days, and taking the time to say goodbye and thank you to each member of the household.

When you get home, don’t forget to return the favor and invite your host to your place for the next get-together. “Staying with family and friends and sharing that time is such a wonderful thing to do,” Swann says. “We need more of that.”

This story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected].

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