Want to be part of a village? You might need to get out of your comfort zone

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People say it takes a village to do difficult things: raise a child, sustain a community, build a barn.

But we don’t often talk a lot about what it takes to be a villager. What does it mean to not just be in a community, but to help create one?

Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters, says the key is to put yourself out there, even if it’s scary. “The best way to get a seat at the table is to host the table.”

As a conflict resolution facilitator, Parker spends a lot of her time thinking about how people relate to one another. She shares tips on how to foster meaningful connections with those around you, so you can have people to lean on in the good times and bad.

Host gatherings that you’d like to attend. The idea is to create the community you want to be in, Parker says.

If you’re not sure which activity to host, notice moments in your life when you have felt the most joy and connection, she says. Was it playing kickball with friends? Start a kickball league. Experimenting with watercolors? Invite your besties over for an art night.

Don’t be afraid to think outside the box, Parker says. “Honestly, the sillier the better.” One of her Substack followers shared an example. Inspired by a recipe for a tomato tart, she invited six friends over for a tomato-themed dinner party, complete with red outfits and tomato-centric conversation starters.

Find a co-host. If the hullabaloo of hosting feels like too much, find a couple of folks to help take on responsibilities. Guests can share duties as well. Parker suggests assigning people fun roles throughout the event — for example, refiller of water glasses or distributor of napkins. Everyone feels involved — and you can stress a little less.

Find your “yes” friends. These are people who are reliable, whom you love being around and who are game to try something new. Team up to meet more people in your community, whether that’s through joining a new sports league or hosting a small dinner party. It makes the process of building a village a shared adventure.

Become a regular. Start showing up to spaces you love, like parks, gyms or bookstores, with people who share your interests. Once you become a regular, other folks will remember you and you can make friends.

Be a good guest. When you’re attending events, be a considerate, kind guest. Whether you’re at a poetry reading or a friend’s dinner party, take the time to be thoughtful, like checking in with the host, expressing gratitude or just being proactive about your RSVP. It’ll probably get you invited back!

More ways to be a villager

Be a caring neighbor. How to plug into your community, practice small acts of kindness and be neighborly when things get complicated. Read the story.

Host a weekly dinner. Chef Samin Nosrat offers advice for ritualizing ongoing gatherings with friends and shares her recipe for the ultimate garlic bread. Read the story.

Make new friends. Meeting new people can be hard, but it’s not impossible. In this episode, you’ll learn from the experts about how to make new friends and deepen your existing relationships. Read the story. 

Ask a magical question. Asking a creative question can help reveal people’s personalities. Priya Parker shares her favorites and explains how to come up with your own. Read the story. 

We want to hear from you

Tell us how you’ve cultivated your village — and what you do to be a good steward in your community. Email us at [email protected] with your full name and story, and we may publish your response on NPR.org.

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The story was edited by Clare Marie Schneider and Malaka Gharib, with art direction by Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected].

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