If the holidays are stressing you out, remember: everything is optional

For most of her adult life, Niro Feliciano‘s checklist for the holidays looked like this: Host the family gathering, write greeting cards, shop for gifts, decorate and peel carrots for Santa’s reindeer — all while raising four kids and going to work every day.

All the effort to make things perfect for her family left Feliciano feeling frantic and disconnected when the holidays finally arrived.

One Christmas morning, she says she was so tired from preparing the night before that she could barely stay awake while her children opened their presents. “I remember thinking: I’m not here. I’m missing this.”

That realization spurred Feliciano, a psychotherapist, to write a book on how to stay present during the holidays: All is Calmish: How to Feel Less Frantic and More Festive During the Holidays. Published in November, it offers practical tips and prompts to zap stress and foster deeper connections this time of year.

Many of them don’t require anything more than a small shift in the way you view the holidays. She shared a few in a recent interview with Life Kit.

Pick three moments you want to be present for.

You probably won’t have the time and attention for everything on your to-do list, so shorten it down to the moments that matter to you most.

“Maybe it is Christmas morning or dinner with the family or the concert that you’re attending,” Feliciano says. At that moment, show up as much as you can.

Change your perspective.

Instead of naming all the things you have to do this season, name what you get to do, Feliciano says. For example: I get to make holiday cards, I get to hang out with my whole family.

Shifting how we perceive these activities can turn them from obligations into privileges. That can take some of the pressure off too.

Remember, everything is optional.

While it may feel like you have to do every tradition on your list, you actually don’t, Feliciano says. If it’s not bringing you joy, let it go.

So if you’ve been dragging your feet about sending out holiday cards, give yourself the permission to “do things a little differently this year,” she says. Then focus your energy on other activities that do excite you.

Evaluate expectations.

Think about the expectations or beliefs you have for yourself and your family during the holidays. If you’re often left with a feeling of disappointment, maybe it’s time to “revisit those expectations so they’re more realistic,” Feliciano says.

For example: If you feel cranky every year because family time is never as peaceful as you want, remember that some discord is likely with so many people under one roof.

A little bit of stress “is normal when families spend an extended amount of time together,” Feliciano says. “There will still be moments that are joyful.”

The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib, with art direction by Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected].

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