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Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more.
This question was answered by clinical social worker Daniel Olavarria. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit,
Every holiday season, my father-in-law sends an annual newsletter to friends and family with updates on his grandchildren and their accomplishments. This is the fourth year in a row he’s neglected to include my younger daughter in the update.
She is teaching a graduate program and receives zero recognition. My daughter feels hurt by the repeated omission, even though we all believe it’s unintentional.
My father-in-law is having a birthday celebration soon, and my daughter wants to bring it up but doesn’t know how to do it. She wonders if anyone will even remember who she is at the party since she’s been left out of the family news for years. — Ghosted by Grandpa
In an ideal world, your daughter would have dealt with this after the first newsletter. She would have presumed good intentions and had a conversation over the phone or in person and said, “Hey, Grandpa, I noticed in the newsletter there wasn’t an update on what’s going on in my life, and it made me think maybe we’re overdue to catch up. Here’s what’s happening in my life, and I’d love to hear more about what’s happening in your life.”
That didn’t happen, and we are where we are now. Before the party, have a private conversation with your father-in-law to clear the air and make sure he knows your daughter is really excited to be included in next year’s newsletter.
You could also send out an email to the family before the party to let everyone know your daughter’s recent accomplishments if she’s worried about people remembering her. It also gives a little nudge to Grandpa without the grandchild having to be the one to toot her own horn.
Sometimes, we get mentally stuck in a period of time with our families. For example, we have a cousin who will perpetually be 8 years old in our minds, but in reality, they’re actually graduating from high school. I wonder if there’s a possibility of this with Grandpa. Maybe he never updated his internal software to realize, hey, my granddaughter is a grown-up doing grown-up things in the world.
Of course, there’s always the possibility that this was an intentional choice. If it was, remember that our success and who we are are not determined by the validation we receive from other people — and certainly not from people who are not involved in our day-to-day lives.
This digital story was written by Beck Harlan. It was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan.
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