Why a good pep talk doesn’t always need to include advice

There are times in life that call for you to give a good pep talk.

Maybe your partner just lost their job. Maybe your kid has back-to-school jitters. Or maybe you’re at karaoke and nervous about your performance.

To spark courage and motivation, you’ll need to show your loved one — or yourself — that “you’re on their side, you’ve got their back and they can do this,” says writer and comedian Josh Linden, co-author of Tiny Pep Talks: Bite-Size Encouragement for Life’s Annoying, Stressful, and Flat-Out Lousy Moments.

For some people, that might feel too hard or too high stakes. What if you say the wrong thing? How do you get someone to actually change their outlook?

Linden and comedian, writer and co-author Paula Skaggs share their ingredients for a great pep talk. Use them to devise your own words of inspiration for life’s bigger moments — and smaller ones too.

Be specific. What does your loved one really need at the moment? 

Your sister is about to walk down the aisle. She’s nervous. Instead of saying something vague and cliché — like, “You can do this!” — pause and figure out what’s really going on.

“Make sure you’re listening to what they need and tailoring the pep talk to the specific anxiety they have,” Linden says.

Let’s say she’s feeling shy about saying her vows in front of everyone. So you might say: Hey, I’ve read your vows, and they are so beautiful. The groom is going to love them, and I know they’ll move everyone in the crowd too. Do you want to practice them one more time before you walk down the aisle? 

Don’t save your pep talks for the big stuff. 

People often have more support and encouragement for life’s bigger challenges, like running a marathon or starting therapy, than they do for the smaller ones, Skaggs says.

So be a cheerleader for your loved ones in those everyday moments, she says. If your friend mentions they’re giving a presentation at work next week and are feeling excited but also a little anxious, send them a morale-boosting text message that week.

You might write: You’re going to be great at your presentation. You’re such a great public speaker, and you’ve been rocking it at your job lately. Sending good vibes your way!

Little pep talks like these show that you care, and they can be just as meaningful as giving a pep talk on a larger issue, Skaggs says.

A pep talk doesn’t have to include advice.

Let’s say your friend calls and tells you that their partner has just broken up with them. They are crying and very upset. What should you say?

Assess the situation. If it’s clear they’re not looking for solutions, your pep talk might take the form of “encouragement and bearing witness to the challenges they’re going through,” Linden says. You might try being an active listener and doing some grounding exercises together.

Don’t feel the need to say “something revolutionary that the person has never heard of before,” Skaggs says. Sometimes, it can be comforting to just “remind them of the thing they already know to be true.”

You might say: I know that what you are going through is really hard and it hurts a lot right now, but I’m here for you.

Keep it simple.

“A pep talk doesn’t have to be something formal that you spend a ton of time and thought on,” Skaggs says.

It’s perfectly OK to write the words, “Don’t give up!” on a sticky note and stick it on the desk of a colleague who’s trying to finish up a big project. Or send a text message saying, “You’re doing great!” to a mom friend who just gave birth.

And when it comes to giving yourself a pep talk, remember that “you don’t have to nail it right off the bat,” Skaggs says. “Give yourself the same amount of grace, encouragement and forgiveness.”

This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected].

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