Concerned about arguments at Thanksgiving? NPR readers give tips to help

The holidays are officially here, and with them come traditions, good eats and quality time with loved ones. Everyone wants to enter this season optimistic about positive interactions. However, the recent presidential election and other headline-making news could bring politically divisive conversations.

No one wants a dispute to start while passing the dinner rolls. To help, NPR asked Up First newsletter readers to share tips on how they have navigated difficult conversations over the holidays.

Responses have been edited for length and clarity.

1. Set rules and boundaries

Suzanne Sheuerman of Vancouver, Wash., says her brother is a Republican and her late mother was very liberal. Every holiday, her brother “would torture my mother by bringing up politics.” She took matters into her own hands by taping rules to the door on one of the years she hosted Thanksgiving. No. 1 on the list: No politics or religion could be discussed.

2. Change the subject

“My best advice that has gotten me out of an unwarranted political conversation is to shift the focus to work or careers,” Dave Fano of Camarillo, Calif., wrote. He says these topics are relatable and get people’s attention.

3. Add curiosity to the conversation

Lindsey Horvatich of Orlando, Fla., says she holds different views than the rest of her family. She also navigates awkward conversations at work every day as a mental health therapist. She says she isn’t one to avoid conflict, and she has learned that we all see things differently because we are different people.

“These conversations can actually go well if we start from a place of curiosity rather than judgment. Curiosity opens the door to empathy and compassion, where judgment simply breeds division and shame,” Horvatich said. “If we commit to creating safe spaces and building trust with each other, then there is no need for difficult conversations to become large-scale conflicts.”

4. It’s OK to walk away

At the age of 23, Nicole Holliday of Pasadena, Calif., was hurt when she wasn’t welcomed at her family’s celebration for standing up for what she felt was right. At the time, her job involved organizing for a labor union. She shared her experience of being arrested at a peaceful protest on social media. “When I entered my grandma’s house for Thanksgiving, she didn’t say hello. She told me that she was ashamed, I was raised better than to be a criminal, and that if I brought it up, she would throw me out,” Holliday said. She left voluntarily that day but attended family holidays after that. Now, 14 years later, she says she wishes she had walked away more often. “This was one of many things that happened over the years to indicate that I would always be unwelcome,” she said.

5. Compromise

Holiday disagreements aren’t always political. Caleb Fred of Westport, Conn., couldn’t agree with his cousin on how to decorate their Christmas tree one year. He says the key to handling these situations is to be open to compromise and focus on the bigger picture so differences don’t escalate. “We listened to each other’s ideas and found a way to blend them, which made the experience more enjoyable.”

Similarly, Barbara Schmidt of Metuchen, N.J., says her Mennonite pacifist family has a peacekeeping playbook to avoid conflict, which states to listen, defuse and find common ground. These rules make her loved ones “skilled de-escalators,” even though they still fight.

6. Make alternative plans

Debora Wagner of Cincinnati, Ohio, says her family is very politically divided, which has led to prolonged estrangements. Because of this, she has embraced her chosen family. “We share values and unconditional love for one another. We’ve created our own traditions for each holiday. The path of peace and love has made the holidays more joyful,” she wrote.

Marcella Yearwood of Mount Dora, Fla., also says she makes her own traditions by finding activities that allow her to find serenity with people who bring joy instead of anxiety. She still visits her relatives for a short period but informs them ahead of time that she has other commitments. “The first time I chose this alternative, I was filled with guilt and anxiety,” she said. “As the years have gone on and I have practiced this more, I now feel more comfortable being alone than with the people of my blood relations.”